If you're found this article, I have no doubt of the pain that you are in right now. I personally know the shock, devastation, and wretched feelings of betrayal that come after you have learned that your husband is cheating.

You feel like someone has punched you in the gut or pulled your legs out from under you. You alternate between not being able to believe it and being furious at the reality of it. You also fear that you are going to feel this way forever and will never be able to get over it and move on.

And even if you want to save your marriage more than anything else, deep down you are afraid that you will open yourself up, let yourself be vulnerable, and that this may one day happen again.

I know that it is almost impossible to believe that these very strong feelings will one day get better, but from my own experience, I can tell you that they will. There are a few things you can do to help this process along which I will discuss in this article.

What You Will Need From Your Husband To Be Able To Forgive Him: I spent a lot of time in counseling and did a lot of research after my husband's affair and I learned that in order for healing to take place, many women need several things from the husband as follows:

1. You will need for him to disclose all – if that is what you need and want, (but only once the dust has had time to settle. Many women can not handle full disclosure when the pain and shock is still raw.) Trying to protect you or downplay or sugar coat the affair is not going to do either of you any good. You need to understand why he did it and he needs to be willing to communicate this (if not at first, then eventually.) Now, some women would rather not know, and while this is understandable at first, not being honest and putting this into the light will only allow it to fester.

2. A cheating husband needs needs to be remorseful and understand the result of his actions. Most men are truly sorry that they have hurt their wives. I have heard so many wives say "he's not really sorry about the affair, he's only sorry he got caught." I'm not sure that is true.

People who are married generally have empathy for their spouse and would not want to purposefully hurt them.

And, most men if they are honest will tell you the affair was the result of the perception that some need some where was not being met. But, this is not entirely true. It is really their very poor reaction to their belief (which could be incorrect) that they were not getting their needs met. Men who cheat have poor impulse control at the time of the infidelity. Usually later, they greatly regret this and wish they could it take it back. Of course, by then it is too late.

3. A cheating husband needs to give you his wife access to his whereabouts and offer reassurance early in the healing process. It's understandable that you will need reassurance shortly after you learn about the affair. Of course, over time this need should diminish a bit, but in the beginning, he should be very open to your knowing where he is.

4. After an affair, both husband and wive eventually need to be open to the idea that the affair is a wake up call that can, with work, make your marriage stronger.

Why Forgiving Your Husband Is Often Difficult Due To Conflicting Emotions: In my experience, the hardest thing to deal with regarding an affair is swinging emotions. One day you may begin to be receptive to your husband, and then a couple hours later you will think about him and the other woman and you will become enraged again and want nothing to do with him.

This is of course frustrating to both you and your husband. My husband used to say he couldn't win no matter what. (For a while, that was true.)

Some days you will feel like you are ready to move forward and then the next day you will wonder if you are really ready for that. Then, you will second guess yourself and feel guilty and wonder if you're lashing out is going to drive your husband away again.

Understand that these feelings are totally normal. Most every one goes through them. It's perfectly ok to tell your husband that you are really struggling but that you are working on this. However, this may take time. Openly ask for his patience and tell him that you don't intend to shut him out or punish him, but that you have to deal with these feelings.

One of the main reasons that you may be having trouble right now is that deep down, you doubt yourself. You begin to think things like: "Was I not pretty enough? Young enough? Exciting enough?"

This kind of self talk is poison and you really have to be conscious of it. What helped me was to say or think the words "not helpful," when these feelings came up.

Knowing The Difference Between Forgiving And Forgetting Your Husband's Affair. (Forgiveness Is For You. Not For Him): I read in an awesome book about affairs once that you are never required to forget an affair, but that forgiving an affair is a gift that you give to YOURSELF.

Forgiving a cheating husband is not letting your husband off the hook or giving your power away or giving in. It is not being a door mat. Instead, it is deciding that you are willing to give yourself the gift of letting all of these destructive feelings go for your own well being. You are choosing to free yourself from the toxic feelings that you are holding you hostage.

Also, I've found that if you do the work to understand why your husband cheated, forgiving is often easier.

Really, forgiving is knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way so that you don't have to hold onto these emotions like the anchor that it is which is dragging you down.

No, you can't wake up one day and just forget and forgive an affair, but I promise that if do a bit of work on yourself and your marriage and you chose the gift of forgiveness for yourself, one day this affair is going to be like any other crises situation marriages go through like the death of your parents or one spouse losing their job.

It's awful, it's painful, and you never want to repeat it, but together you can get over it, grow from it, improve because of it, and emerge stronger in the end.

I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband after his affair, but after much introspection, conducting a lot of research, and listening to knowledgeable experts, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, our marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/