Even a degree or work experience is about language really… learning the jargon and vocabulary that enables you to condense an idea down to single word or phrase that allows you to communicate on a more advanced level with your peers, and not have to waste time explaining concepts basic to the understanding of the problem or challenge you're facing in that moment.
On a macro level, you see it in the personal languages that develop between couples and families… you know that word or phrase that is hysterical to you and your close circle and just makes absolutely no sense to anyone else?
If you're only going to read one book about improving communication in the relationships in your life, then Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages is definitely it.
In the book Chapman outlines five basic love languages that we all use to express and receive love, and his insights are pretty easy to apply and actually make a lot of common sense.
In this book Chapman also makes the very astute observation that communication errors in relationship most often occur because partners don't feel their love is accepted or returned. Often this boils down to the fact that we tend to express love in the way we want to receive it and not in the way our partner feels loved.
So which love language are you, how do you express love to your partner, how do they express it to you and what can you change about your communication style in order to recognise when your partner is loving you and help them feel more accepted and loved in your intimate relationship?
1. Gifts
The love language of gifts is broken down into two sections, gifts as in presents and then the gift of presence.
Physical gifts
If you had a parent or previous partner who acted as though their heart lived in their wallet then you'll know exactly what we're talking about here… for some people the only way they can show or receive love is through gifts and money.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, and if your partner is this way inclined well lucky you… look forward to a lifetime of jewellery and trips and surprises. Just remember to return the favour of course.
The gift of presence
For some people they feel loved just because you are around.
Maybe it's that their parents weren't around a lot, or maybe their parents were… whatever the reason, these people need to know you are an active part of their life and always present and available to them. This could take a number of forms:
- Companionship and quantity time
- Being around and in reach easily by phone or messenger service when you aren't physically around
- Checking in on them regularly when you aren't physically around
For people with this kind of love language, being away from or out of reach of their partner can be very stressful.
Luckily regular contact and reminders that you are still around can go a very long way to smoothing the path for a future happy relationship.
2. Quality time
People who have the love language of quality time may not need you to be around as much as those who have the language of quantity time or gift of presence, but they do need you to be completely present and focused on them when you do things together.
Luckily fulfilling the needs of this love language can actually be relatively easy to do:
- Make a regular date night and stick to it – people with this love language will look forward to the appointment, so cancelling or postponing can do a lot of damage and make them feel very rejected
- Plan surprise trips and experiences where you won't be interrupted by work or the kids or any responsibilities you have to deal with
- Make a point of showing your partner that you are focused on them by refusing to accept an interruption to a Skype call or appointment and let them know what you've done, as it will make them feel very special to know they have your undivided attention
From hearing how much you love them to hearing how wonderful they are… words of affirmation can be one of the easiest and most difficult love languages to fulfil.
For people who have this love language, words usually come easily and they are full of affirmations or love and compliments.
If however you're the partner of this kind of person and it doesn't come easy to you, you can run into endless issues just because you are not the kind of person to whom it comes easily to express yourself.
Also, because we're so often attracted to people that have the qualities we lack in ourselves, it wouldn't be uncommon to find a person with this love language partnered with someone who finds it difficult to express themselves verbally.
If you find yourself in this boat, you could start by simply saying I love you over and over in your mind or under your breath when you're around or focused on your partner.
Alternately, you could set a reminder on your phone to remind you to send an ‘I love you' text or some words of appreciation to your partner every day.
The use of a digital medium can take away the fear of the experience and over time you will find that it does become easier for you to express the words sincerely in person.
Everything gets better with practice.
4. Acts of service
From bringing home the bacon to keeping the house clean… everyone has things that they do to contribute to a happy home and relationship. For some people this is the very way they express love.
Acknowledging this kind of love is very easy… just say thank you.
Everybody wants to be acknowledged and recognised and acknowledging what you recognise as love given towards you can go a very long way towards validating your partner's emotions, which will only serve to strengthen your bond and relationship over the long term.
Other ways you can support and love this love language is to take an active interest in what's happening, e.g. if your partner brings home the bacon as their expression of love then take an active interest in what's going on at work or how they're trying to better their career, support them when they're feeling low about it and make an effort to check in with them daily.
On the flipside, if they're doing things around the house then surprise them by having had done it first or simply jump in and help them on a lazy Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch in intimate relationships falls into one of two main categories: sexual touch and intimate touch.
Sexual Touch
As much as we'd like to believe that sex and sexuality aren't important in long term relationships, they actually are. Sex is the one thing that distinguishes your relationship with your intimate partner from the relationships you share with everyone else.
Other key benefits of include the fact that as humans we bond through the sense of smell and sex allows us close enough to be able to really smell and therefore bond to our partner. That bonding, combined with the hormones and neurotransmitters that are released during sex help us feel even more alive, bonded and connected.
If sex is difficult for you or you've reached a sexual impasse in your relationship it is advisable to seek help. Introduce aids and toys, visit a sex therapist or coach, anything that will help you get back on track quickly.
Even if sexual touch is not either of your primary love language it's still such a crucial part of your relationship and such an easy way to stay connected and bonded that it deserves a place of honour in your relationship and life.
Intimate Touch
For many women around the world, the conflict with sexual touch comes down to intimate touch, and you hear it in comments like he always wants sex when he touches me.
If your partner falls into the intimate touch category then the bad news is that you're going to have fulfil that need before you get to the sexual touch you want.
On the upside, walking past and giving a quick cuddle or putting your hand on her leg while watching TV, or even making the effort to fall asleep cuddling or spend five minutes cuddling when you wake up, are all pretty easy to do, and in many cases you should see movement and results pretty quickly.