Newlyweds Guide Note: This is part of a column on common problems that real couples face and the advice that couples therapists and psychologists offer to solve them. I interviewed the therapist via e-mail to get the information necessary to write the story. The names and identifying characteristics of the couples are changed to protect their privacy, and sometimes they are based on a composite of many couples the therapist has seen over the years.

The Problem: Nancy and Niel got married even though they had reservations about their relationship, and during what should have been the honeymoon phase Nancy began to regret the marriage.
The Couple's Story: Professionals in their late 20s, Nancy and Niel seemed to be compatible on the surface. They paired up at the right time in their lives, too, when both of them were well into their career and all their friends were starting to get hitched. They both felt as though the time was right to settle down. After they got engaged, they moved in together. There were many ups and downs, including some recurring conflicts. But they wrote off the arguments as the result of adjusting to their new status as those on the road to the altar. Still, the bride says she considered calling off the engagement numerous times. They thought things would simply fall into place once they got married. Although Nancy said she enjoyed the festivity of the wedding and therefore didn't regret that part of it, she wasn't sure she should stay in the relationship.

After about six months of marriage, she turned to Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in private practice.
The Diagnosis: This couple had a lot of issues that they needed to confront. First, they had unresolved conflicts that were breeding resentment and making it seem as though they were not the right fit for one another. Second, rather than communicate about these issues, they would sit in silence. Niel didn't seem bothered by the lack of talking, but Nancy was. Finally, Nancy felt lonely even though she was married. She'd rather hang out with her girlfriends than spend time with Neil. She was feeling insecure and unsure about this commitment she made.

The Solution: When one person is feeling unhappy in a marriage - namely Nancy in this case - both people have to deal with it. Coleman suggested that both Nancy and Neil come in to talk about whether they could get back on track and move forward in the relationship. Whenever any kind of issue like this comes up, Coleman has clients work on communication. I know this advice sounds like an old record, but you have to be able to talk - and really hear each other - to get anywhere in a relationship.

"My work with couples focuses (in part) on helping them communicate their feelings/needs/concerns/issues in a clear and concise way, and one that allows their partner to stay present and truly “hear” the message correctly," writes Coleman in an e-mail. "This involves working on very specific communication techniques such as reflective listening (listening until the person is finished, then paraphrasing back what they heard so their partner KNOWS it was received) and speaking from an “I” perspective (“I feel sad when this happens…” as opposed to “You always do this or you make me sad when you do that”) Both of these help keep the conversations going as they decrease anger, help each person feel heard and help them to keep from feeling defensive, which can cause a shut down or an explosion of anger."

What is refreshing about this approach, says Coleman, is that both partners can walk away from the situation feeling satisfied. Even if they can't reach an agreement, they feel as though they were heard, she adds.

As for Nancy and Niel, they worked with Coleman for several months. She had them create a list of specific goals and set a time frame for addressing their issues. After about three months, they agreed that they married without tackling fundamental deal-breaker issues and that Nancy married for the wrong reasons - mainly because her friends were also getting married and her family liked Niel, and she didn't want to disappoint anyone. They separated, and Niel seemed more disappointed and hurt than Nancy at the outcome.