"I never thought I would do that.
"I found myself saying.
I could not believe my own actions.
I felt like a stranger to myself when thinking back on what I believed in coming into this relationship.
So many of the things I saw and despised the most in unruly men I have now added to my own repertoire.
I wallowed in the pain and agony of how I thought I must been seen now; how was I portrayed now with these scars on my record.
Still I had not grasped the concept of controlling what and where I placed my focus and attention.
My heart was flooded with emotions.
My mind was clouded with thinking.
All of the wondering and contemplating and evaluating all the "what if(s)" had my head hurting and left me misguided.
I didn't know that a man's greatest battle is fought in his thoughts.
My attention was figuring out what I could do to make it go away.
I started making some very off-the-wall assumptions about where I was in my marriage, what a marriage was supposed to be and the role my spouse was suppose to play in it.
I then concluded that I was not satisfied in my marriage based on those assumptions with what she was and was not doing.
Well, I realize it now.
Those assumptions were all made based on far-fetched fantasies for which became all focused in on me and what I was to get from being her husband.
How did I end up here; when coming into this my only contemplation was doing my best to fulfill her every satisfaction from this marriage? My day dreams of being enough to satisfy even her whims had turned to where was my reward in all of this.
I had even expected actions of her for desires that I had for which she had no knowledge of.
Why am I now expecting her to do for me what I have not told her I wanted?Honestly?I had let my imagination get the best of me.
My thoughts wandered and I took little effort to corral them before they got out of hand.
I soon became an emotional wreck.
My behavior began to line up with thoughts I had that deep down inside I didn't even agree with.
I began believing and acting out on what I didn't believe.
Now I am just confused, left with having to thumb through my thoughts trying to discern what is and is not the Truth.
I had taken my thought focus off my responsibilities and it led me down a dark wavering tunnel of resentment, rejection and anger.
Pay attention to what you allow into your thoughts, because it will be what you do.