Are you married to someone with avoidant personality disorder? I was and I spent a lot of time focused on what his avoidance of conflict and intimacy in our relationship was doing to him. It wasn't until after we divorced that I began to pay attention to what it had done to me.
He was a kind and generous husband who refused to engage in any form of marital conflict. It was important to him that we appear happy, whether we were happy or not.
In response to his generosity and kindness I beat myself up for not being happy or for feeling the need to express that unhappiness.
Not only did he need to control his own emotions, he needed to control mine also. I entered into the marriage an open, honest, communicative person. It didn't take long before I was playing by his rules and stuffing my feelings to avoid hurting him and causing conflict. I had joined him on the dark side!
And that is what it is like when married to someone with avoidant personality disorder. They don't express emotions so, you learn not to also. They don't confront issues or problems in the marriage head on so, neither do you. Anything negative is swept under the rug and you learn to pretend, just as they do, that regardless of how empty you feel all is well.
What does this mean for you, the spouse of the avoidant?
- Loss of self-confidence,
- Loss of personal identity,
- Possible depression,
- Possible anxiety and panic attacks,
- Anger turned inward,
- Physical diseases and pain disorders due to the stress of stuffing your feelings.
In other words, your spouse's need to avoid problems may be the cause of the majority of your problems!