Exploring Rescuer's Mentality and Patterns Rescuers are often those who are looking to be rescued themselves.
A lot of how we relate to others are patterns we learned, especially in our formative years.
While I'm not someone who encourages a person to dwell on their past, it is relevant to examine dysfunctional patterns so that it does not haunt our present.
Perhaps we've seen some good patterns, and have healthy relationships today as a result.
Those are definitely intangible blessings if that's you.
Many also did not have that healthy mirroring or healthy modeling of good relational interaction.
If not, rescuers are often playing out those negative patterns, rescuing others when they are looking for someone to fix and rescue themselves.
They just don't recognize it in themselves, in most cases.
Family of origin.
If one or both parents, or guardians responsible for your upbringing was abusive or neglectful towards you, it's not something a child is capable of processing out in a healthy manner.
What happens instead is that a child often internalizes what they perceive or feel is a rejection.
A child is unable to say, 'mom or dad aren't equipped to be attuned to my needs because something's happened to them.
'Perhaps that abusive parent was abused themselves.
It doesn't make it OK what they did to you, but recognizing is the first step towards breaking a rescuing pattern in your relationships.
Perhaps you've been given the role within your family to rescue and enable.
Maybe it was only when you enabled family members through rescuing that you were acknowledged and praised.
Break ups are particularly difficult.
If you've ever been through a break up even once, chances are you can identify with the fact that its painful.
For rescuers, break ups are particularly difficult.
If you are a rescuer, chances are the relationship you were in became your whole world.
You might have given up connection with friends, family and activities you once loved to attend to this relationship.
In essence, the relationship engulfed you.
When it fell apart and the other person left you, perhaps you felt devastated.
One of the reasons it's so difficult is not only because it became your whole world, but it was a drive to perform for love and acceptance.
If you can fix the other person, is it possible you are seeing it on some level of fixing yourself?Only...
it's not yourself.
Rebecca and Andrew started dating for 2 months, but it felt like they were together for 2 years.
Andrew justified that it was because he was more matured and seasoned in life experience, so he just knew what he was looking for.
The sparks were flying the first day they met.
He was 32 years old and Rebecca 30 years old.
They met in a cooking class and Rebecca was just ending an abusive relationship with her ex-fiancé.
Andrew stepped in to accompany and assist her to move her things out of the apartment she shared with her ex, and right in with him.
After all, she had no where else to go.
Her parents lived out-of-state, and she had talked about temporarily moving back in with her parents until she could sort things out for herself.
Andrew wouldn't hear of it.
Why would he allow her to do that when he could help her.
Andrew's best friend and former college roommate though teased him at first, finally came forward and raised some concerns about how fast he was moving with Rebecca and did he really know her.
Andrew brushed off his friend's concern saying he knew what he was doing.
He had never felt more alive than when and after him and Rebecca started dating.
In fact, he was thinking about proposing to Rebecca.
Shame.
In the first section, on family of origin, when a parent or guardian abuses or neglects you, there was the explanation that children often don't have the cognitive ability to process the abuse in a healthy manner so it doesn't negatively affect their self esteem.
What often happens is the child internalized a sense of shame, rejection, feelings of bad-ness and/or feels something is fundamentally wrong with them for the parent to treat them in such a manner.
These issues are not always the easiest to look at.
Recognizing patterns is the first step in seeing change towards healing.
Take it slowly and at a pace you feel you can handle.
Without recognizing your relational pattern, you can easily get caught in a cycle of repeated, exhausting and destructive relationships.
The next question is to ask yourself is, how badly do you want emotional pain connected to these relationships to end?It is possible, and it can be done.
It does take some time, but recognize it isn't usually overnight.