Most of us set great store by having all the facts, knowing what is correct and being clear about exactly what is wrong. In most situations, this clarity and certainty serves us well.

We have been rewarded for having the right answers through school, college and our working lives. The more competent, technically specialised and senior we are in our organisations, the more difficulty we have approaching a conversation in any way other than to think we have all the facts and the right answer to the problem.

However, there are many difficult and sensitive conversations, where being right is not the most important factor. In issues of personal needs and wants, likes and dislikes, who is to say definitively what is right, and if indeed any are wrong? Relationships develop conversation by conversation and it is in the difficult conversations over matters like these that the quality of a relationship is determined.

When we feel strongly, we tend to argue for our position, for being right. It is therefore inevitable that if the other person feels differently about the issue, they must be wrong. We should be having conversations in which we get to understand our differing views, and so develop our relationships.

Instead, we end up in arguments, with winners and losers. When we argue we stop listening, we become emotional, and because we feel the other person is being unreasonable, we become frustrated and angry. Arguments like these lead nowhere and the more often this pattern is played out, the more relationships take on a win lose tone.

The problem is that what we say makes sense; to us. We forget that what the other person says also makes sense; to them. Each of us lives in a different world of perceptions, experiences, expectations, beliefs, fears, interpretations. But to each of us, our own world makes sense, and we argue from that perspective.

The only way to get anywhere in a disagreement is to listen and understand what the other person is saying, until you can see how it makes sense to them. You must first understand, before you can expect to be understood. Understanding someone does not mean that you will necessarily agree on their viewpoint, but it is an essential step in the process by which you can try to reach agreement.

As you prepare for a conversation remind yourself that you do not know all sides of the story and that your view is not the only possible one. Remind yourself that you might even have been contributing to the problem without realising it! The more complex an issue is, the more views there will be of it. The more contentious it is, the more those views will differ, and the more strongly people will defend their own.

You cannot open a conversation by stating your view on something strongly, with the conviction that it is the only reasonable one to hold, and expecting others to tell you openly how they see it. You are actually inviting them either to agree with you or to be wrong! That does not lead to the kind of conversation on which good relationships are built.

Step away from being right. Try being curious. Notice what a difference it makes to your conversations; and to your relationships.