In the Bible, God uses hemorrhoids as a punishment, as a weapon, and as a currency.
God threatens to smite Israel with incurable hemorrhoids if they become wicked (Deuteronomy 28:27).
The Lord smites the secret parts of the Philistines with hemorrhoids to convince them to give the Ark of the Covenant back to Israel (1 Samuel 5:6-12).
God smites the Egyptians "in the hinder parts" (Psalm 78:66).
The Philistines make golden casts of their hemorrhoids and offer them to God (1 Samuel 6:1-17).
Of course, science says that God is not the cause of hemorrhoids.
In On Hemorrhoids, for example, Hippocrates says that hemorrhoids form when bile or phlegm concentrate in a rectal vein.
The blood in the vein heats up and more blood attracts to that area.
When blood accumulates, the vein swells.
As fecal matter passes, it tears the vein and bleeding occurs.
Hippocrates suggests four cures for hemorrhoids.
I invite readers to choose one for their personal relief: A) Your doctor takes 7 or 8 pieces of iron which are a fathom in size.
You don't know what a fathom is, but you know it involves deepness.
The rods appear to be about 6 feet long.
These iron rods are as thick as a specillum.
You don't know what a specillum is, and you don't care, because any rod is too thick to be up your anus.
The rods are formed into hooks.
You are laid on your back, your legs are spread-eagled, and you are tied down.
Your doctor uses his fingers to force out as much of your anus as he can.
Now your doctor tells you for the first time that the iron hooks will be made red-hot.
A red-hot iron hook is shoved into your anus and applied to the hemorrhoids.
It is good when you scream because that forces more of your rectum out.
You suddenly remember that the doctor took 7 or 8 pieces of iron and you begin to contemplate a law-suit.
B) Your doctor gets your anus to protrude as much as possible and then cuts the hemorrhoids off with a knife or scissors.
Your doctor uses his finger to apply powdered urine to your wounds.
You can't think of a reason why powdered urine should ever be up your anus, but he's the doctor, and at least he isn't using 7 or 8 red-hot iron hooks.
C) Your doctor bends you over two round stones and examines your anus.
He sees what look like mulberries protruding out of the wall of your rectum.
Your doctor reaches into your butt and tears these mulberries out with his hands.
He does this without warning, making small talk the whole time because this will prevent you from realizing that he has stuck his hand in your ass and ripped a vein out.
D) Your doctor introduces a tube into your anus.
A red-hot iron, perfectly fitted, is shoved into the tube, and then drawn out.
This is repeated multiple times so that the friction creates more heat.
This is because the red-hot iron was not hot enough already to burn your hemorrhoids.