You probably know how frustrating it is to be ignored.
In a discussion you have offered an opinion or made a statement, and the group continues talking as if you said nothing.
It happens to all of us at one time or another, but for some people it is a regular occurrence.
Apart from being ignored they might also find they are unable to speak their mind and ask for what they want, find it difficult to hold their opinion or stand up for themselves in a discussion and even feel overly grateful when someone does ask for their opinion and actually listens to it.
If that is your experience you would benefit from working on your assertiveness.
In assertive behaviour you make sure your needs are met while respecting the needs of others.
Assertive people are able to express their opinions, thoughts and feelings, they are able to claim their right or establish authority.
You will notice that they, apparently without much effort, do things such as start, change, or end conversations, share feelings, opinions, and experiences with others, make requests and ask for favours and refuse others' requests if they are too demanding.
They might also question rules or traditions that don't make sense or don't seem fair, address problems head on, are firm about their rights in a situation and are able to express both positive and negative emotions.
Assertiveness is not aggression.
In aggressive behaviour the boundaries, rights and interests of other people are not respected.
The aggressive person goes out to get their way regardless of the impact it has on others.
Passive people on the other hand don't respect their own boundaries.
They allow others to cross those boundaries and put their own wishes and desires aside so as to pay attention to fulfilling the wishes and desires of the dominant person.
Aggression and passivity are disrespectful attitudes which ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships, trust and the ability to effectively get things done.
Assertiveness respects one's own boundaries and the boundaries of others.
It finds a way between aggression and passivity.
Assertive people are clear about what they want, and will stand up for their right to achieve it, while at the same time being aware of what the other person wants and their right to achieve that.
People are not born assertive, it is a learnt skill.
For some people the situation in which they grew up, their family life, schooling and general experiences have been more conducive to them developing assertiveness than it might have been for others.
Nevertheless, the skill was learnt just as others learned to be aggressive or passive.
No matter where you find yourself at the moment, you can learn to be assertive with great success.
To develop your assertiveness firstly understand that you can be assertive and that, with practice, you can be as assertive as anyone else.
To work on this skill remind yourself constantly that you intend to be assertive and then think like an assertive person and think of yourself as one.
Imagine yourself behaving assertively and being treated accordingly.
At first you might feel uncomfortable with this new skill, just as you might have felt wobbly when you first learnt to ride a bicycle.
Start by taking small steps.
Keep going until the uncomfortable feelings fade.
Use affirmations such as, "I am assertive", or "I am becoming more assertive every day.
" Mentally rehearse potentially difficult situations and imagine and feel yourself handling them assertively.
In your mind's eye see others respond accordingly.
Practice talking unhurriedly, with a clear, steady tone and make a habit of taking slightly more time to reply.
Give relaxed eye contact, not too intense, and avoid fidgeting, scratching, and touching your hair and face.
When making a point or request, do it clearly, with conviction, and don't waffle.
Don't make excuses for your opinion or feel the need to justify your request or even apologise for being present.
Our level of assertiveness drops as soon as we preface our statements with words such as, "I know this may sound stupid but..
", or "Sorry to bother you...
".
If you don't succeed straight away, say it again, and if necessary keep repeating it.
Change the wording if you wish, but not the message.
Stay calm and don't allow yourself to be sidetracked.
Keep working at this skill until it comes to you easily and naturally, and then you will be an assertive person, expecting to be heard and respected.