If you're a parent in thinking about, in the middle of, or looking back on a divorce, there are several important rules experts wish you knew (and I wish my own parents knew) for the sake of your children, even if you think they're handling the divorce just fine: Never Force Your Children To Split Their Loyalties And Love: Never criticize or speak ill of your ex spouse in front of your children.
Doing so may cause your children to wonder if it's possible to love both of you.
Children should feel free to love both of their parents without feeling disloyal or guilty.
Don't force your children to divide love and loyalties amongst their parents.
Encourage Your Kids To Express Their Concerns When They're Relaxed And Listen When They Do: It's vitally important that your children are able to release any emotions or concerns they're feeling about the divorce but they're often reluctant to do so for fear of worsening the situation.
Don't just give an open-ended directive encouraging your children to come to you if and when they have questions.
Initiate discussion during the times you would normally talk like when making dinner or running errands.
Don't let the moment slip by because you're afraid of saying the wrong things.
Your honesty, openness, sincerity and concern for your children is more important them than the actual words that you use.
Your job is to reassure your children that their feelings, whatever they may be, are appropriate and that you as a family are going to work through them together.
Make Sure Your Children Receive A Message Of Unity, Reassurance And Support Before You Mention The Word Divorce: Both parents should present a united front when you tell your children about the divorce.
The children are likely to feel immediate alarm and shock, blocking out what you are saying after only a few minutes.
In the moments before you even mention the word divorce, you should reassure your children that what you're about to tell them is in no way their fault and that they will in no way lose love, support, or quality time with either parent.
Make Sure Your Children Know The Divorce Is Not Their Fault: Children often blame themselves for a divorce and secretly believe that they can fix things if they try hard enough.
It's important your children understand this is not the case so that they won't blame themselves and feel that they failed when the divorce moves forward.
If the children ask for the reason for your divorce, offer only generalities like "we both made bad choices that we now can't take back.
" Follow Through On Your Promises: No matter how much reassurance you offer your children, they will always initially secretly fear that their lives are going to be very negatively effected by your divorce.
The only way to show them this isn't true is to prove it to them over time.
Even if your divorce is difficult, do exactly what you assured your children you were going to: continue to love them, continue to offer them quality time with and access to both parents.
Continue day to day rituals and schedules with a positive attitude.
Whether your children openly discuss their feelings and concerns, divorce can be very difficult for children.
To make the process a healthier one for the children you love, always put your children and their well-being before your divorce and its difficulties.
Remembering that your children are still entitled to two supportive, involved parents will go a long way toward helping your child to cope with and heal from a divorce.