Suppose Hannah and Jennifer attend the same class and are preparing for a test. Hannah goes home and is a nervous wreck. She’s upset that the teacher didn’t provide adequate study guides. Her children don’t understand her need for quiet study time. She screams at the dog in frustration.

Jennifer, in contrast, goes home, assesses her situation calmly, talks with her children about what she needs, makes fair arrangements for quiet study time, settles her dog at her feet, and gets on with preparing for her test.

She asked the teacher yesterday for additional information to supplement her notes.

Are you Hannah or Jennifer?

I reviewed the book, The Adult Student’s Guide to Survival & Success by Al Siebert and Mary Karr, and since then have had an email conversation with Dr. Siebert that I have his permission to share with you.

Dr. Siebert objected to (in his words, “winced at”) some of my articles and blogs that had a tone of coddling when it comes to what we often perceive of as stress. He and I discussed the matter at length, and I think reading our exchange might give you some valuable insight about whether you see the world from an internal or external perspective.

3/10/2009
Deb, another useful [newsletter].

I must speak up, however, and say that I wince every time I see one of your peppy suggestions on how to deal with stress. In my book and at my websites, I coach people on how to become stress-free by not being misled into believing the illusion of stress that writers keep trying to sell them on.

Do you have a copy of my book The Adult Student's Guide to Survival & Success, (6th Edition) nearby? Please look at Chapter 12 on How to Handle Pressure Well. If you can't find your copy, here is an on-line version: The Adult Student’s Guide.

Perspectives have shifted since the 1970’s and 1980’s. Are you open to rethink what you keep saying to people?

Al

3/10/2009
Hi Al!

Thanks for your thoughts about stress. I'm sorry to have been the cause of your wincing.

I happen to agree with you that people respond to situations completely differently, that the problem is not the event, but the person's response to it. I see it every day.

I think, however, that semantics are also involved. When I talk about stress in my article, I'm really talking about ways to relax, which you also include in Chapter 12. (Your book is right here on my shelf and I've been meaning to write about it again.)

I'll tell you what. I'll work on a companion article (I actually have a blog somewhere about choosing stress). If it's okay with you, I'll quote some of your advice in Chapter 12. Our exchange here would make a good blog, too, pointing to the article.

What kinds of responses do you get from people when you coach them about becoming stress-free?

Deb

3/10/2009
Al,

It was my blog about your book review:

Deb

3/12/2009
Deb,

I'm beginning to understand. We both agree about developing response choices. I'm still not getting my mind around your way of talking about "choosing stress" though.

People who feel vulnerable to "stress" aren't making a choice. They are having a simple, unthinking reaction to events and then blame people in authority or power for causing them to feel they way they do. They blame others for causing their reactions. It takes some reflection and self-observation to slowly see that they could choose to respond in a different, better way than continuing to have their reflexive reactions in which they feel both vulnerable and helpless.

Some people shrug off my message as a being only semantics. Most, however, greatly appreciate being informed by a psychologist that the media stories about stress in their lives are subtly persuading them to feel vulnerable and helpless. They feel freed and empowered by the idea that there is (as Selye said) no stress, that the way to relax and hold up well under non-stop pressure is to free yourself from reflexive reactions by developing response choices--while continuing to practice the fundamentals that support good physical and emotional health.

If I may be frank, the suggestions you make are useful for people who need lots of guidance on how to cope, but are in the manner of a rescuer creating co-dependency. That was the underlying flaw in the old stress management programs.

Al